AntiNatal
by XxFearTheFluffxX
Summary: Team Gai are SUPPOSED to be on an S-rank mission of utmost import - at least, that's what Neji was told in the briefing. But this couldn't be right, could it? No S-rank mission he's ever had previously has involved so much... gurgling... NejiTen


It was amazing; simply _incredible_! Neji – the man who'd eaten the Ninja academy's most complicated problem exercises for _breakfast_ in his day – was astounded, intrigued and, quite frankly, a tad gob-smacked by this... this _thing_. But it wasn't _just_ the _thing_. Oh no, no, no! There was ample incredulity to go around his team mates and sensei as well. Most of his utter disbelief, however, was centred on the _thing_.

It was a disgusting, slobbering, ear-drum bursting abomination. A puking, pooing, drooling bag of noise from the deepest cesspits of hell. It was vile; it was deplorable; it was unquestionably, _the_ single most annoying thing this side of the universe. Words _failed_ Neji – the first time in his life such a thing had occurred – on _exactly_ how to sum this despicable creature up. But for the purposes of clarity and understanding, he decided that the technical term would have to suffice. It was a _baby_.

It wasn't as if he hadn't known what a baby _was_ before this point. He was _definitely_ old enough by now, at 23, to understand the concept of a human's growth and development, and he _knew_ that a baby was the starting stage. But the fact was, he had never seen one; at least not this close. He had seen his cousin, Hanabi, as a baby, but only from a distance (at the time he had had some, let's say, _major_ _issues_ with the main branch of the Hyuuga clan). And, much as he hated to admit it, he supposed _he_ had been a baby at some point or another. But still...

When Gai-sensei had said they had a special mission, this was _not_ what Neji had expected. In fact, it was so _far_ from what he expected that the situation had a sort of black irony to it. Babysitting this screaming bundle of misery didn't rank very high on the list of things Neji had wanted to do that day. And watching the rest of his team coo over it and utter nonsensical rubbish at it made the experience all the more painful. It was official - fate hated him. He didn't _care_ what Naruto said anymore; Neji was destined for a life of suffering and, if he went to hell when he died, he was sure this yowling brat would be there waiting for him.

Covering his ears with his hands, Neji screwed his eyes shut and tried (with minimal success) to block out the screeching. He wasn't _entirely_ sure why he closed his eyes - it was a foolish thing to do, as he learned within a matter of seconds.

"NEJI!! What are you doing covering up your ears like that? You're missing this excellent display of youth! As your sensei, I _implore_ you to appreciate such a rarity!" his mentor's voice split through the baby's cries like a knife through butter.

_Youth? _That's_ what you call this din? Sounds more like someone's being repeatedly beaten with a brick on a stick! _In any case, Neji had to admit that the crying was preferable to Gai-sensei's long winded speeches about the power of youth. The fact that it would be the thousandth or so time he'd heard them did nothing to lessen his opinion that they were, in a word, rubbish. So with an ill-concealed grimace, he gradually removed his hands and forced his eyes open.

Tenten was rocking the baby gently, a look of complete and utter contentment on her face, despite the fact that it was screaming blue murder. Lee, Gai's ever youthful apprentice in stupidity, was covering his ears too but unlike Neji was as close to the child as he could get, smiling like the idiot he so obviously was. Bouncing the baby in her arms gently, Tenten began to sing a sweet melody to it; a soft, comforting sound, silken and yet still hinting at the strength in her voice that she'd always possessed. To Neji's immeasurable relief, the baby got quieter as the minutes ticked by, until eventually it fell silent – asleep at last.

Directing a grateful glance at Tenten, his wife of three months, Neji collapsed into a nearby armchair before turning his attention to Gai. "I thought you said this was an important S-rank mission that required the whole team?"

"It is, Neji. Did you not see how difficult it was to get young Beniha to sleep?" Lee interrupted on Gai's behalf. He'd freed up his ears but was still grinning idiotically.

"Still, a babysitting mission is usually only D-rank. Unless there's someone after it. I have to say that if that were the case, I wouldn't be surprised - everyone within a ten mile radius must want it silenced."

"Neji! That's a terrible thing to say! And she's not an it, she's a baby girl!" Tenten scolded, folding her arms in what Neji had come to recognise as the classic, _'I strongly disapprove' _stance.

"Hn." _Best to keep it shut..._

"It would be best to get used to it Neji, my friend. You and Tenten are married now. Will you not be wanting to start your own family soon?" Lee asked, giving Tenten a loaded look that, amazingly, Neji managed to miss entirely.

"Certainly not! Even before this escapade, I've never been particularly fond of children."

He hadn't meant it; of _course _he would want to start his family with Tenten soon. He was 23 and the main branch, kind of expected it of him. They hoped for more powerful little Hyuuga's A.S.A.P.. Besides, _apparently_ parenthood was a joy - this was something he wanted to find out for himself, even if it killed him. But the look of pain that crossed Tenten's face made him feel especially guilty for the cold comment.

**An hour later**

"You have _got_ to be kidding!" Neji cried.

"Oh no, I'm deadly serious. More serious than I've ever been actually." Tenten smirked, enjoying, to a great degree, her husband's sudden discomfort.

"Why can't Lee do it?" he muttered, moodily.

"Are you _sulking_, Hyuuga? Or are you _trying_ to entice my wrath?"

And there was something in the look she directed at him that couldn't be argued with. Neji started to wonder if the reason his clan had so readily agreed to his marriage, was because Tenten had an acute ability to command some form of obedience from him. It wouldn't surprise him...

With an incredible amount of effort, he managed to keep his face straight as he took the awake (but miraculously, not crying) Beniha from Tenten. The infant gurgled, much happier than she had been before her nap, which he supposed was a blessing of sorts... However, having never held a baby before, he stood awkwardly with the child in his arms, holding her out in front of him as if she were a bomb that could explode any second without warning.

Sighing, Tenten quickly and skilfully adjusted his position so that Beniha was cradled against his chest. Afterwards, she made him hold the child in various acceptable ways before informing him that he was going to learn how to look after her. As was to be expected, argument was out of the question, though it didn't stop him from _trying_.

The first skill in child care that Neji was to master was nappy changing. It was a decidedly nasty task. Armed with a fresh nappy, wet wipes and baby powder, he approached the changing table and stared in horror at the wriggling baby girl, thinking to himself that he'd rather be on a dangerous, S-rank mission any day. Getting the old nappy off was a mission in itself, one more trying than all his assignments to date. And the smell! Oh, the _smell_! If he hadn't bore witness to the putrid stench, he would _never_ have believed it! It was so strong that it would have killed even a dung beetle. After hastily finding a peg and almost passing out when he accidentally stuck his hand in _it, _Neji finally managed to clean the child. He then proceeded to choke himself and the entire house with his feeble attempt to apply the powder. Putting the new nappy on was comparatively easier than the rest of the steps and, as he stood there covered from head to toe in baby powder, glaring at his handiwork, he found the whole thing unpleasantly anti-climatic.

Next on the list was feeding time. This, he thought, would be a simpler task. No such luck. He tested the milk on his arm but ended up pouring on too much, hence scalding himself _and_ having to make the bottle all over again. His second attempt produced a better result and to his relief,the baby's bottle was ready. But then the little squirt refused to drink it, moaning every time the bottle touched her lips. Neji was well known for his cool composure and immaculate self-control, but if ever there was a time he had wanted so much to lose his temper, this was it. When she _did_ finish the milk, he picked her up and was about to burp her when a sea of sickly white vomit hit him on the head. Throughout the burping process he was the unlucky bullseye of several more projectile vomit attacks and to make matters worse, right after being fed, Beniha needed changed again...

**Several hours and many unfortunate experiences later**

At long last it was time for Beniha's nap again. _This babysitting stuff is pure torture! As soon as this kid's asleep again, I'm out of here... _Neji thought wearily.

During his trip through hell-on-earth, Tenten had watched in amusement, crippled with laughter ninety percent of the time and yelling at his clumsiness the other ten. He still wasn't _quite_ sure why she'd insisted he do all this; quite frankly, at this point he didn't care. She was definitely going to get a stern talking to when they got home.

"Alright. Come here, you smelly, stubborn, vomit machine gun." Neji grunted, picking said vomit machine gun up and frowning as she giggled at him. "You think it's _funny_? Do you _like_ the fact that I reek of baby sick? Do you _relish_ the idea of me having large deposits of baby powder in my lungs? Is it a joke to you, that I can't even _look_ at my hand anymore without remembering the feel of your waste in between my fingers?!"

"Easy - Neji! She's - just - a baby." Tenten gasped, giggling her head off.

"Hn! That's easy for you to say, you haven't-," Neji started, but then stopped abruptly at the feel of something very small grasping at his fingers. Looking down, he saw Beniha's blue eyes gazing into his own with a cheery sparkle in their depths. She was smiling, and when he tried to remove his fingers she just gripped tighter. In spite of all his frustration, Neji found himself smiling back. Going on instinct he started to rock her gently back and forth, like he had seen Tenten do that morning. Beniha yawned, blinked a few times and then fell into a deep sleep, loosening her grip on Neji infinitesimally.

Flopping down in the same sitting chair he'd used earlier that day, he held the infant and stroked her cheek with a look of awed wonder. "You know, Tenten... looking after a baby is hard work... but I don't think I would mind if we had one of our own any time soon..."

Tenten smiled and nodded. "I'm glad to hear it,"

Before Neji had time to really register what Tenten had said, Lee and Gai slipped in the front door, visibly exhausted from their extensive pass-time training.

"Do you know, Neji, that I have not heard Beniha cry _once_ since she was placed in your care." Lee said conversationally.

"No... come to think of it she hasn't..." Neji murmured, half asleep from the fatigue of his own training.

"It would seem that our Neji has a certain gift with children!" Gai announced proudly.

"Shhhh. He's asleep." Tenten pointed out. And sure enough, Neji was out like a light.

"Did you tell him of your pregnancy yet, Tenten?" Lee asked quietly, wrinkling his nose against the strong stench of sick that was particularly potent around Neji.

She shook her head and chuckled. "No. That's a surprise for another day..."

**I'm done!! I have to say that this is some funny material, right here! I was laughing my head of all the way through it and I wrote it! lol! **

**In case anyone didn't understand the title, Anti-Natal basically means 'against pregnancy or birth or basically anything to do with babies'. It is a play on the word Ante-Natal which is a medical unit that focuses on pregnancy in particular, i.e. scans and tests etc. while the baby is in the womb.**

**NOTE 2: This story has been re-done and I feel it's better than the original! That was kinda the point but... neh...**


End file.
